Just Wait. Teriyaki type marinade

I've cooked a lot of stuff over the years. Most of it was total crap. In fact 99% was/is probably total crap. I have no background in this other than eating. I've also ruined many, many pans. You know, boil the water and 2 hours later you're wondering who the hell is welding something in your house.

In the past year or so I've really gotten the hang of a few different dishes and with the exception of a batch of carbon coated croutons, I haven't burned anything in a really long time.* I've found that the key to cooking pretty much anything is patience. Don't put the heat up really high in order to cook something faster, don't crowd all your crap (a.k.a. ingredients) into a pan to cook a bunch of stuff quickly, you know... those kind of things.

My point being sometimes waiting for something to marinate is worth it.

This is killer on steak and not too shabby with chicken or Tofu:

1/4 cup low sodium soy sauce
3 Tbspn Oyster sauce
1 Tbspn sesame oil
1 Tbspn rice wine vinegar
1 Tbspn sugar
1 tsp minced garlic
1 tsp minced ginger
1 tsp chinese 5 spice powder
1/4 tsp liquid smoke (optional)

1. whisk all ingredients together
2. place meat and marinade in bag, let sit for 30 mins

*Please note burning something is not indicated by setting off the smoke alarm

A superbly chickeny chicken

Wee Dreadpirate used to play two games ALL the time. One I called mad scientist. I'm sure a lot of you out there played some version of this... you take random things, mix them together and see what happens. Just imagine my delight when I was given baking soda and vinegar. I'm sure if my parents knew what was to come they never would have encouraged my curiosity. Mad Scientist was put to a painful end when I mixed bleach and ammonia I found in the cabinet I wasn't supposed to play in.
I can't imagine how my parental units kept me alive long enough to reach grade school.

The OTHER game I had, which was similar to mad scientist, I don't remember very well. Moms told me I used to play "Julia Child" all the time. From her description it sounded like a mix of The Julia Child Show and the Swedish Chef but who's to say. I used to watch Mrs. Child and the muppets and they both had a similar sense of humour. Anyway, Julia Child has been getting a lot of hype from the recent movie and all but she remains a fascinating lady whom I sort of admire.

My point. Ummmm OH!

She has a line in one of her earlier shows about certain chickens as being such delightfully chickeny chickens. I think of that whenever I get a really good one.

Easy roasted chicken

Ingredients
1, 4-5lb chicken
2 tsp salt
2 tsp pepper
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder

1. Preheat oven to 400F
2. Pull out guts
3. Rinse chicken inside and out, shake off water
4. Place chicken breast up in a baking dish with deep sides
5. sprinkle all spices on top of chicken (don't forget the drumsticks and wings
6. Stick it in oven for 50 mins
7. Check chicken for doneness (stick in thermometer, cut between drumstick/body to see if liquids are clear)if nowhere near done stick back into oven for another 10 mins.
8. When done, pull it out of oven, cover with foil and let it sit for 10 mins.
9. Carve and eat or pretend to be a caveman and just dig in with hands.

Rice Pudding

Do you remember the days when you looked forward to eating freeze dried food? Well... maybe you don't. I'm eating lipton's cup of soup today. I don't think I've eaten this since I was 8 or 9. It's not bad, little salty but ok otherwise.

Speaking of 8 or 9, I went to Franklin Institute in Phila around that time with my Aunt and Uncle and bought "Astronaut Icecream". Doesn't it just sound like stellar perfection? It was kind of slimy, but then so is regular ice cream in a way... point being I didn't like it.

Which reminds me of Turkish Delight.

Those of you who know me pretty well already know about one of the more serious disappointments of my life. Turkish Delight.

Reasons for the buildup of this mystical sweetmeat:

1. The Name... Turkish= mysterious silken tents with beautiful people granting wishes (see 1001 Arabian Nights).
Christmas is a delight, going to the movies, a brand new book, black raspberry ice cream... delight= good

2. In The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, Edmund ate this magical delicious candy called Turkish Delight and he loved it so much he betrayed his brother and sisters. Betray your family? That, my dear, is one damn good confection. (I've since realized that Edmund was just another greedy shmuck like myself)

3. Cousins loved this candy. I generally have trust in their sweets expertise. Over the years they introduced me to twinkies, coco puffs and annie's penny candy store.

4. The tin T.D. came in looked like it was meant for a fairy princess. (Of which I am, always have been and always will be.)


Anyway, Turkish Delight sucks and here's a recipe for rice pudding.

Ingredients
1 cup cooked rice
16 oz. lite coconut milk (1 can)
1 cup milk (whatever %)
1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp ginger

1. Combine all ingredients in a saucepan over med-low heat and slowly bring to a boil
Stir a lot to prevent burning
2. After reaches a boil, lower heat and simmer stirring constantly until mix thickens and coats the back of your spoon (about 10-15 minutes). Continue to reduce until desired consistency is reached. Keep in mind as the pudding cools it will thicken more.

You can serve this warm or cold- both taste good.
Also good with chocolate shavings or raisins
Not good with turkish delight

Explanation of blog title change.

So this blog was called Private Dancer because it was going to be a private blog and for some reason I thought of my sister telling me that every time I called her house the caller i.d. would say private caller and she think of the character Private Dancer on Scrubs. Then I remembered it's a Tina Turner song too... and while I have much love and respect for the T.T. I don't really like that song. Also, it has nothing to do with food or eating.
I realized today that now the title could fit in with some sort of Top/Bottom S&M type of thing. I guess I'm not really into that but I've never tried, so who's to say.
I am fascinated by the whole culture. Who isn't really... No really, be honest about it, if you're human, sex is an interest.

You know it, I know it.

Actually, I'm pretty sure I could happily beat the crap out of someone if they wanted me to... I'm also quite certain I don't want the crap beat out of me. I know, I know, there's more to it than the physicality but humiliation is also in my repertoire. I learned from the best. I spent a good 2 years walking around with chewed gum on the end of my nose because I was too stupid to not chew gum in glass when the Nuns told me to stop. Not to mention the old "stand in front of the entire class with your empty notebook and the word LAZY written on the board with a giant arrow pointing at your head" trick. Those lovely ladies certainly were creative but in my case, not really effective. I just learned to not give a rat's ass.
Homework? Psshhtt Puh-lease.
I still got 110 on that spelling test didn't I?

Over the years the Nuns taught me a few other things, of which a few are,
appreciate and work with what you have
even if the authority gets pissed- ask questions
be creative
don't be a damn snob
I think this is exemplified by 2 phrases: 'It's wet, you're thirsty, drink it!" and "Shut up and eat it."
Hence the name.

Reading this blog is like reading the ramblings of a chipmunk. Isn't it?
Oui, cest bon

Yes, this is not a chipmunk. However it is adorable.

Indian Influenced Potatoes a.k.a. Samosa filling

I am beyond lazy when trying to following precise directions for international cuisines. Also... I don't have some of the original ingredients like ghee (which is basically clarified butter) so I just work around it. It's not the same but it tastes ok to me, uncultured heathen that I am.

Ahhh samosa. Just say it, it sounds like a crisp wind with a hint of spice. I am reminded of the time I was travelling across India on horseback with my guides Ashok and Anjuli-Bai... With Ashok as our escort, Julie and I went riding after a whole day of being couped up inside the carriage. A sandstorm blew up and threatened to overtake us before we could make it back to our camp. Ashok spied what looked like sheltered area a bit closer to us than the camp... We rode hard and just made it to a sheltered cave when the worst of the storm was upon us.

Wait... that was The Far Pavillions. Which I've read so many times my copy has fallen apart.
I think that book may actually be my choice for the question "If you could only ever read 1 book ever again, what would it be?" I suppose I should choose an anthology type book but this one is SO GOOD. It has romance, adventure, good strong characters and it helped with my brief childhood fascination with British occupied India. I don't get it either, I blame Octopussy and her palace or maybe it was because of the "Military Blunders" book I had...

Whatever.
Samosas.


Ingredients
1 box puff pastry or, dare I say it, phyllo dough for the packet part
1 lb diced potatoes- about 1 large potato or 2 medium sized (the smaller you cut the dice the mushier the filling will wind up)
3 TBspn butter
2 tsp grated fresh ginger
2 tsp cumin seeds
1 1/2 tsp curry powder
1 tsp garam masala
1/2 cup frozen baby peas
1/2 tsp coriander seeds
1/3 cup diced onion
1 egg (beaten)
3 TBspn water
1/2 tsp salt


1. Melt 3 TBspn butter in a large-ish pan using medium heat

2. Add the following to the melted butter and stir it around for about 1 minute before going to the next step:
1/3 cup diced onion
2 tsp cumin seeds
1/2 tsp coriander seeds
2 tsp grated fresh ginger
1 1/2 tsp curry powder
1 tsp garam masala

3. Turn heat to med-low. Add 1 lb. diced potatoes, 1/2 tsp salt and 3 Tbspn water
Stir it all around, cover to let potatoes steam cook for about 15 minutes

4. Check to see if your potatoes are cooked well enough, when they are done remove pan from heat and add 1/2 cup frozen baby peas

5. Fill your pastry choice, bake and eat!
I like to use puff pastry for these because I bake 'em instead of frying
Brush the tops of your packets with the beaten egg
Cook to pastry specification (ie. 400F for 20 minutes for phyllo dough)

This stuff tastes nice as a main or side dish too...

Plain ole 20 minute Rice.

My pic. Some dude's car.








Rice cooker things are pretty inexpensive, easy to use and generally fool proof. Unless of course you don't follow directions or use it to try to heat wax (I recommend a crock-pot, it works better). That being said, I don't have one and I don't want one. It's one more gadget I'd use religiously for 2 weeks, get sick of cleaning and then stuff it in a closet. And I'm out o' closet.

For others who don't have/want one and have been looking for an easy way to cook/forget about rice, I've got a method. Rice is quite easy to make in a saucepan with a tight fitting lid.

Poi-sonally I prefer the Basmati-type rice, it is the best, smells wonderful and tastes even better. However, the matis are expensive when you compare to plain old white or brown rice like 3 or 4 times more expensive but I find it's worth it. I like somewhat sticky rice and I'm a rice snob... so, there you go.

The key to this whole process is DON'T REMOVE THE LID. Really, even if the water starts to boil over because your stovetop doesn't cool down quickly or you forgot to turn the heat down before covering, don't remove the lid. Pick up your pan off the heat source and hold it for a few seconds then put it back onto the stovetop.


I understand the longing, the burning curiosity, the sometimes painful NEED to know what is happening in that pan. I know... in fact I'm pretty sure rice cooking is the sole reason clear covers for pans were invented. Don't give in to the temptation, it pisses off the magic steam producing fairies and they'll screw everything up just for spite.

And as the sign in my kitchen says: Don't piss off the fairies.

Ingredients
1 cup jasmine or basmati rice
1 1/2 cups water (if you want less sticky rice, use 1 1/3 cups water)

1. Dump
1 cup rice and 1 1/2 cups water into sauce pan
2. Bring to boil on medium high

3. When it starts to boil, turn heat to lowest setting

4. Stir rice so it's not sticking to the bottom of the pan.

5. Wait 1 minute then cover pan. Set a timer for 10 minutes Don't lift the lid. Even if the rice starts talking to you.

6. Remove pan from heat and let sit for 10 minutes Again. Don't remove the lid, this last 10 minutes is crucial for all the steam-types to invade the rice-types. It's war in there.

Done!

Balaklava Fingers? No Baklava Fingers!

I stopped for gas on the way to work this morning and saw a man talking on a payphone. I thought 'Huh. So there are still payphones in this country.' Then I realized that the phone receiver wasn't attached to the phone.

What does that have to do with Baklava? Everything my friend, everything. Baklava is what keeps me from making collect calls to the voices in my head. Baklava is well... it's an indescribable orgy of butter, nuts and honey.
ORGY.
IN YOUR MOUTH.
And it's a total bitch to make so have fun!
My recipe is for me... I don't like uber sweet stuff so the sugars may be less than what you see in other recipes. I also think that the finger form of baklava seems to use less butter. I know! I know! What's the point then? Well... it's my damn recipe.
So nyah.

Handy Tips:
Phyllo dough was invented by demons. Greek or Egyptian demons probably... To help avoid a phyllo fiasco be sure to keep the dough you are not working with covered with plastic and then covered with a damp tea towel. If the dough dries out even a little it will crumble into dust and if it gets too wet it will lose its' structure and be a sticky mess.
Only open 1 of the smaller packages inside the box for this recipe.
Thaw out your dough overnight in a fridge.
Keep any unused dough frozen until you feel the need to torture yourself again.


Ingredients
1 package of filo dough thawed (generally sold in a box in the freezer section near the frozen pies and cakes)
1 small damp towel- tea towel or otherwise (yes, I'm serious)
1 basting brush or pastry brush or new small paintbrush (it's the same thing)

3 oz or about 1/2 cup of finely chopped walnuts or pistachios or a combo
1 TBspn brown sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
pinch of salt
1 stick butter
1 cup white sugar
2 TBspn honey
2 tsp orange flower water or maple syrup (optional)

1. Combine filling
Mix the following together until you get a crumbly paste-ish consistency:
3 oz or about 1/2 cup of finely chopped walnuts
1 TBspn brown sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
pinch of salt
3 TBspn melted butter (slightly more or less will be needed depending on how fine your nuts are chopped)
set aside

2. Prepare the baking apparatus
Butter or use cooking spray to coat the bottom and sides of a baking dish (be sure to use one that has at least short sides)
Preheat your oven to 415

3. Roll up the fingers
Melt the remaining butter and grab your basting brush
Set up your work area so that you can quickly reach filling/butter/phyllo/glass of wine. I conscript the Mister's assistance, it seems to go smoother with 2 people.
Working quickly:
Unroll about 2 inches of the phyllo dough layers cut through all with a sharp knife
Roll rest back up, cover with plastic and damp towel

Paint the top phyllo strip with melted butter
Add a lump of filling near one end of the buttered phyllo strip
Tuck nearest edge around the filling
Roll into a cylinder
set into baking dish, butter top of cylinder
Repeat until you have as many fingers as you want

4. Bake
Flick water drops onto the surface of the fingers (I have no idea why but it seems to do something)
Bake at 415F for about 15 minutes or until phyllo has browned well

5. Make the Syrup
Ha! And you thought you were done.
In a saucepan slowly heat the following until the sugar dissolves:
1 cup white sugar
2 TBspn honey
2 tsp orange flower water or maple syrup (optional)

Bring to a boil, reduce the heat a simmer for about 5 minutes until it gets slightly thicker.

6. Finish
When fingers are done baking Pour syrup over all of them and let 'em soak in it

Ok, now you're done.

Garlic Pickles? Yes thank you

There is a law in CT that states that if a pickled cucumber does not bounce it may not be called a pickle. I figured if it wasn't a cucumber in some sort of brine it wasn't a pickle but I see what CT is getting at... sometimes pickles are plain old disappointing. Particularly the GIANT ones that look like they should fulfill your every pickle desire for weeks to come and you take that first bite and... and...
It's tasteless mush.
Gah. It just as bad as the first time you have sex. Really? That's it? Man. Johanna Lindsey is full of shit.
I digress.
Aside from pilfering Mom's romance novels I also used to abscond with jars of garlic pickles (college years are lean years my friends).
Garlic Pickles are to Dreadpirateolson as sparkled dew is to spiderwebs
I have no idea what that means but if you like garlic pickles these are easy to make and delicious.

Ingredients
9 cups water
3 cups vinegar
1/2 cup kosher salt
1/4 cup sugar
pickling cucumbers (depends on how much you want to make)
seal-able jars (also depends on how much you want to make)

The following amounts are per 2 quart pickling jar:
1 tsp alum
1 tsp dill seed
1/2 tsp mustard seed
3 cloves sliced garlic

1. Sterilize your jars
Boil, dishwasher, microwave... however you sterilize, do it well my friend

2. Bring the following ingredients to a boil:
9 cups water
3 cups vinegar
1/2 cup kosher salt
1/4 cup sugar

3. Wash your cucumbers
Sounds personal right? Well... wash 'em good. Those weird picker things on the outside of cucumbers are horrible.

4. Slice your cucumbers into spears

5. Jam cucumber slices into sterilized jars

6. Add the following ingredients to each 2 quart jar
1 tsp alum
1 tsp dill seed
1/2 tsp mustard seed
3 cloves sliced garlic

As an aside: don't taste the alum. Trust me on this one.

7. Pour boiled liquid into jars to cover cucumber slices

8. Seal Covers and Refrigerate for 24hrs

9. Eat and Taunt the pickle-less with your garlic pickle breath


*If you would like to use pint jars instead of 2 quart jars use the following amounts for the spice mix:
1/4 tsp alum
1/4 tsp dill seed
1/8 tsp mustard seeds (1/8 tsp? Meh, just chuck a few seeds in there)
1 clove garlic slices

not my pic

What separates Man from Beast?

Dumplings.
No really, it's dumplings.
My sister and I have a theory that all cultures have some sort of dumpling. My definition of dumpling is 3-fold.
A. Delicious.
B. Filled pie-like (like pasties)
C. Filled packet-like (i.e. ravioli)

Gyoza, knish, pelmini, kroppkakor, borek... I could go on but I'll restrain myself.

I'm pretty sure that we all make some sort of dumpling because we're sort of dumpling-like ourselves- doughy, meat-filled bags that have been baked in an oven.

Sister states that it's a conveniently portable food that uses whatever and contains the foods we find necessary for survival, so we would naturally all think of the dumpling form.

Yes, my theory is disgusting.
True, Sister's is all anthropology-ish and follows logic.
No, it doesn't change my thought.

Although it would shoot both theories to hell, I'd love to hear of a culture that doesn't utilize the dumpling form.
Also, if you enjoy the dumplings as much as we, there are a few fun cookbooks out there specifically for these tasty little packets of sunshine.

http://www.amazon.com/World-Dumplings-Filled-Pockets-Little/dp/0881507202
http://www.amazon.com/Dumpling-Seasonal-Wai-Hon-Chu/dp/0060817380/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259692904&sr=1-3
http://www.amazon.com/Dumpling-Cookbook-Maria-Polushkin/dp/0911104852/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259692904&sr=1-4

Potato + Dough = Knish

not my pic













I love knish. Knishes? Knishii? Whatever, they're awesome.
This recipe is for smashed tatos with onions wrapped in dough and baked till golden brown. Personally I prefer to have a side of spicy mustard as an accoutrement.

This recipe makes about 25 teeny knishes, 10 larger or 2 HUGE ones.

INGREDIENTS
4 large potatoes (and enough water to boil them in)
1/4 cup vegetable or olive oil
2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper (use white pepper to pretend you're poisoning someone with secret ingredients)
2 Dashes Cayenne pepper (optional)
3 cups flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup cold water
3 TBsp butter
1/2 cup diced onion
1 beaten egg + 1 tsp water

1. Make Plain Mashed Potatoes (part will be for dough, part for filling)
Peel and cut potatoes into chunks, cover with water and boil until soft (you can easily stick a fork into them)
Smash cooked potatoes with a fork or use electric mixer and whip them until you have a lumpy consistency.
Cool the mash (I stuff the bowl into the freezer while I'm reading items for the next step)

2. Make Dough
Mix 3 cups of flour with 1 tsp baking powder and 1 tsp salt, dash of cayenne (optional) set aside

Place 1 cup of the cooled mashed potatoes into a large mixing bowl.
Add 1/4 cup oil and mix until you get a creamy consistency.
Add half of the flour mix to the creamy mash and mix
Add rest of flour mix as best you can(the mix will resemble a bowl of peas)
Make a well in the center of the dough mix
Add 1/2 cup COLD water
Squish the water into the flour mix with your hands or spatula until you can form a ball
spritz dough ball with water (I just flick water from my fingers onto it)
cover dough with plastic wrap and set aside at room temp for 30 minutes

3. Make filling
Melt 3 TBspn of butter in a saute pan
Add 1/2 cup diced onion
Cook until translucent in the butter
Set aside
Place remainder of cooled mash into a bowl
Add butter/onion mix
Add 1 tsp salt
Add pepper to taste
Add 1 dash cayenne pepper(optional)

4. Preheat oven to 425 F

5. Line baking sheet with parchment paper

6. Roll Out Yer Dough
Lightly Flour your rolling out area and rolling pin
Dump your dough ball out, squish it a little and divide it into 4 parts

This next part depends on how big you want your knish dudes to be:
Roll 1 part out until it's 1/4 inch or less thick (flip and turn the dough as you roll- it'll help)
I cut the rolled 1/4" dough into small squares.
Place about 1 TBsp filling in the middle of your square
Pinch corners together and continue to pinch all open parts closed until you cover all the filling form it into the shape of your choice. I like balls. (tee hee)
Flip knish over so pinched parts are on the bottom and place on baking sheet
repeat until you're done

7. Brush Egg onto knish
Crack and beat 1 egg and 1 tsp of water
Brush onto top of knishes

8. Bake knishes at 425F for about 25-30 minutes (until golden brown)

9. Eat them. Eat them all.