Wait, who am I? (Lumpia or Tubby Tubas)

Yes, my diagram.
Blue = water
Brown/red= meat paste (sounds delectable no?)
Arrows point the direction folding





I feel like my brain went on vacation to Peru 3 years ago, was talked into attempting to smuggle drugs back to the US and got caught and is now... "Locked Up Abroad". Have you seen this show!!?? It makes me feel like I was MUCH less of an idiot than I was when I traveled abroad. Let's just say thank god for Kamini the first time I went. There was a 19 year old with a brain unlike yours truly.... props to the K because I was a first class moron riding coach. I cringe with shame when I think of how stupid I've been over the years. sigh... no regrets right? Uh... ummm ok. Does that count for stupid shit like stealing from your sister when you were 10? Cause really, it's stayed with me.
Merf.
I shall think upon this NO MORE. I'll just depress myself and it's pointless to make one's self sick about the past, yes? (Humour me.)

Moving On.

I have a few Q&A's


1. Why does the movie Mommy Dearest still freak me out? The first viewing was during an impressionable age. That and my closet was rife with wire hangers.


2.How did I ever become afraid of mysterious beings under the bed? I don't remember ever seeing anything awful under a bed. Aside from the cat eating a bird, that wasn't awful, just gross. Besides, no monsters would have fit under my bed. That's where I shoved all my toys when I "cleaned". I shudder to think of my room as a child. It was literally knee deep in places. I was terrified of E.T. living under my bed. I don't really get that. E.T.? Really? He was a lovable alien that just wanted to phone home. Somewhere along the way I eventually loved him. I even had an E.T. lunchbox and thermos. Maybe he was hiding under a bed in the movie? Not sure, but that's most likely where the fear came from... but it's such a universal fear. Kids all over the place have this fear. But then again kids from all over have beds... I need more information.


3. Why doesn't the up arrow on my keyboard work? It's seriously irritating. Almost as bad as the 'e' key not working (please see the book Misery to understand this reference. Dirty bird). I should really stop whining about it and exchange with a working one. Sigh



4. Is seasonal mood disorder real? I think maybe yes. I don't know about the whole get more sun thing but I do know that end of january/feb and most of March suck ass. It's more likely the lack of fresh air and being cooped up in the house for so long and no big holidays to break it up. American workers should really see about getting more mandatory days off a year. Ready workers? Let's GO!
BLAM
Oh right, doors slam in faces when we try to do that... banding together for the rights of all is a commie idea.

Man, I am in a mood today.

This weekend we got Dante's Inferno (video game) and it's disturbingly awesome. It is for adults and only for adults who don't scare easily and is an amazing gamer who can use all the buttons on the controller. F-ing jumping/swinging/bad guys trying to fry you. It IS hell. I'm not going to get into the whole dante's inferno game too much but if you enjoy dark imagery, it's for you. Is 'enjoy' the right word? I'm not sure what the right word would be. Really... it's a descent into various nightmarish levels of hell and it's quite gross in parts but it's still pretty cool. It's interspersed with quotes and characters from the book (your guide is Virgil) and it gets a lil' culture into them video game players. Huzzah!
Also got Spore Hero which is adorable.

What recipe to post... it's been over a week so I need to make it a good one. Oo, I know. The DPO version of Lumpia (Filipino/Indonesian eggrolls). I made the first batch when I worked in a factory with a particular gent from Laos. Originally got the recipe from Mr. Phet's wife (she also made killer coconut sticky rice). I think of Phet a lot, he was probably about 70 and is the master of putting together battery packs. He called me Sarge. At least I think he called me Sarge... he laughed a lot when he talked and had a heavy accent. He seemed to like me because I yelled at everyone to put their safety glasses on and actually did work without bitching about it. Phet also liked my Mom, but really how can you not like my Mother, she's easy to love and is one of the best peoples around. He also owned (owns?) a restaurant in New London that was pretty good. Thai Iced Tea. I need say nothing else.

So anyway, I originally dubbed my version of lumpia as Oompa Loompas but my bff at the time Marc said that might be copyright infringement so he named them:

Tubby Tubas

Ingredients

1 package of wonton wrappers (6x6 squares)

1 lb pork or chicken (boneless and lean)

1/2 onion chopped very fine

2 carrots or 10 baby carrots chopped very fine

1 tsp ginger

1 tsp garlic

1/4 c soy sauce

1/4 cup water

2 Tblspn oyster sauce

pepper to taste

canola oil for frying

Marinade your meat

1. mix soy sauce, oyster sauce, ginger, garlic and pepper

2. put meat and marinade in a ziplock bag (or bowl) and let sit for at least 1 hour

Make Filling

1. put meat in food processor (with marinade) and chop it until it resembles a paste

2. put in onion and carrots with the meat and zap it if the veggie bits are too large (you want small bits of carrot to be recognizable for and interesting texture)

Make your Tubas

1. place about 1 tbspn of filling onto a wrapper and roll into an eggroll shape using water to seal the edges (see diagram above)

2. repeat until you have all the rolls you want

Heat Oil and Fry

1. In a heavy pan put enough oil to cover the eggrolls entirely and heat until about 300F

2. Place a few rolls into the oil at a time and cook until golden outside and meat is completely cooked through (I would advise cutting the first one to be sure it's cooked thoroughly.)

3. drain rolls on paper towels or clean brown paper bags

eat 'em

Los Mo~F-in'~Jitos

Super Mario is a prick and I hope he goes to hell.
I've been playing video games for approximately 17 years (a somewhat conservative estimate). I'm not very good at them but I'm not that bad either. The Mister has been playing even longer and we both have turned into animals of pure rage because of this f-ing game. Mister has a LOT of patience and I saw him actually bite the controller*. I can say with definition that if a 5 year old dressed as Mario showed up at my door last night I would've punched him in the face.
I must beat this game before the descent into madness is complete. That and I reallllly want to get Dante's Inferno but we made a rule to not get another game before we complete the one we have... they're too expensive.

I have LMFAO's "shots" song stuck in my head. It's pretty awful in there today.

Also been thinking of what to do for my "container" garden this year... 2 years ago I built the "dirt coffin" on our patio. It wasn't actually a coffin (didn't want to scare the new neighbors right out of the gate) it was just a coffin sized box of dirt with a mosaic on it. My rose bushes blasted the grout and tiles off by the end of the year. I just didn't build it well enough. Which is fine cause I was getting tired of it but was a HORRIBLE experience to get rid of the damn thing. I almost decapitated one of those little blue lizards that live around here with a shovel. Poor guy... all nice and snugly in his cool dirt house and then BLAMMO!! here comes a shovel screwing it all up.
I'd also like to point out that this particular shovel was a lend from Sister and THAT, my friends, means trust. Sister doesn't lend her shovel to anyone. She's a shovel adept. No! She's a shovel High Mage. I think if it wouldn't get weird orange dirt stains all over her house, she'd sleep hugging that shovel. Well, she is an archaeologist after all...
Garbage Picker ;P

Where was I? Right! Container garden. I have lots of ideas but no monies so I need to think of a way to use stuff I already have and make it nice and not look like the dump is randomly sprouting rosemary and tomatoes.
I wonder if that happens... I mean random plants growing at the dump from discarded fruits. I imagine it would. I suppose I could be a dumplady and find out but then there's that whole finding discarded human heads potential and I just don't think my delicate sensibilities could handle it. I am a fairy princess.
heh heh heh

I could totally bury that mario game with a shovel at the dump. Just thinking about SM is making my blood pressure go up.
SM? Huh... makes sense
I think I need multiple Mojitos. Here's my fav recipe

Ingredients
1 half lime cut into chunks
3 mint sprigs roughly chopped
1 Tbspn sugar (I like using brown but any type will do)
1/3 cup cold club soda (or seltzer)
2 1/2 Tbspn coconut rum (or any rum for that matter)

Since I don't have any fancy pants masher thingy I just smash stuff in a cocktail shaker or bowl
1. put mint, lime and sugar into a container for which you can mix all stuff and easily pour into a glass
2. smash up limes/mint with a fork or hammer
(2.5. If you'd like a cold mojito, add ice to your glass)
3. pour in soda to lime mix
4. pour in rum to taste and stir it up
5. pour into glass, add tiny pirate sword**, consume, repeat from step 1. until you read bowl as blow or stab yourself in face with tiny pirate sword


*and then I laughed. A lot.
** please note tiny pirate sword fights are mandatory if there is more than one opposable thumbed being in the drink making area

The Power of Rocking and Chocolate Pistachio Biscotti

Our alarm clock is set to the radio because the beeping is really not conducive to a peaceful waking. Granted, the screech of the latest 16 year old's heartrending tale sung to the tune of Frere Jacques (or whatever) does set one's teeth on edge but most mornings it's a good way to wake up. Such as this morning when I was awoken by the sheer power of rock. I actually started laughing, as I always do, because it was the Scorpions. Not for nothing, Klaus Meine has a serious set of pipes, these guys have been doing their thing for like 38 years and I love this band. No, it's love, pure love.
That being said, I always laugh when I hear them.
Why?
This answer is 4-fold.
1. Really... no really these songs hold no bad memories for me. In fact, I always associate Rock you like a hurricane with a particular carnival ride.
2. I became friends with a set of Albanians when living in Italy (I know.. I know...) and one of them attempted to woo me with a Scorpions song. I don't mean the actual song, he just spoke some of the lyrics. And really... it was his best English. I think he may actually have learned most of his English from Scorpions and Metallica (you know... aside from the necessaries like "you are a beautiful American woman be my wife"). I feel proud for introducing this particular person to Megadeath.
3. 38 years? Can that be right? That's longer than most marriages. These guys have staying power.
4. A band member's name is Lothar.
And now you know that I know wayyyyyyyyyyy too much about Scorpions and we shan't speak of it again.

Along the same lines as my love for a particular German band, I adore the library. I'm sure my parental units are responsible for this (along with a certain spectacular Auntie) and I thank them for it. I'm not quite to the Ray Bradbury level of library adoration but I'm pretty near to it. When the pocky-clypse happens (Membah This!!??*) I will hit up a library pretty soon after I collect my arms and munitions. (One must be prepared to defend thy books.) The county I live in has recently instituted downloadable audio books in our libraries and it's the best thing EVAR. I highly approve and have given it my official stamp of approval.

As an aside: If you have no idea what the Ray Bradbury reference means, check out this youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzD0YtbViCs it's a little long but I feel like Mr. Bradbury is responsible for running a section of my brain. One of my favorite things he says in this interview is "I saw the planet Mars and I said 'Take me HOME!' and it took me home and I've never come back" that and "I want a close up of the cat now". For those of you who've known me for a while you can see that yes, he is indeed manning the helm.
Some of the other youtube clips with him are rather odd/interesting too.

What goes better with reading than coffee and a biscotti?
Well yes, a beer does go quite nicely with a book.
Stop distracting me.

Ingredients
6 Tbspn unsalted butter softened
2 c all purpose flour
1/2 cup cocoa powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 cup pistachios
1/2 cup chocolate chips (the mini ones work well)

Preheation
1. pre-heat oven to 350F
2. grease and flour your baking sheet

Mixology
1. sift flour, cocoa, soda and salt together, set aside
2. cream butter and sugar until fluffy
3. add eggs to creamed mixture beat until combined
4. add flour mix a bit at a time until all is combined and it makes a stiff dough
5. fold in nuts and chips

The First Bake
1. On greased/floured sheet, Form dough into a flattened log
2. Bake until slightly firm (about 25 minutes)

The Second Bake
1. Take log out of oven and set aside for 5 minutes
2. Reduce your oven heat to 300F
3. cut your biscotti log into 1" thick slices and lay them flat onto the baking sheet
4. Bake slices until crisp (About 10 minutes)

If you like slightly chewy biscotti, cut them slightly thicker or cut the 2nd bake time. If you prefer cracker-like biscotti, cut them 1/2" inch.

*from the flick Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, which needs to be seen for nothing else then you'll know the answer to the question "Who runs Bartertown?"

Recipe for d d d DEATH (and risotto con cipolla)

You knew this title would happen at some point.
We both did.

You may or may not be a person who has vivid dreams, I am. I always have been. I still remember bits of dreams from my childhood (good and bad). Last night was one of the top 10 worst dream snippets. It's still giving me the willies.
The Dream Snippet:

I walked down a set of stairs into a communal shower room and when I stepped through the locker room door, the lights went out, I felt breathing on my neck and a man started to giggle as he slowly wrapped a wet towel around my neck to strangle me. I was unable to escape or defend myself in time (much like the hitting something but having no power).

I woke up with a blanket wrapped weird around me and the mister was softly snoring so I could logically determine all the sounds/feelings in this dream but I still couldn't make myself move for 45 minutes. If the schools of philosophy that purport dreams as the true reality and life as dreams are correct then I'm a death defying superhero who's nemeses are zombies, a marionette puppet with a long silver pin and now a large giggling man.

Ok, enough of this bullshit, time for subject change!

^shudder^

I'm not sure if it's the whole adulthood that's snuck up on me, the 2 year old repeater I'm around sometimes (FART!FART!) or if I'm tired of hearing the sighs of the righteous but I've been attempting to eliminate habitual swearing from my vocabulary. A pointless endeavor, I agree but it's something to do. I'd also like to point out the phrase "swear like a sailor" isn't really true. Sailors are usually quite polite. Of course, that may have be because I have tits and a vagine and they're out in society, who knows. What I do know is that swearing is just so satisfying sometimes...

I had a little thrill this morning. Not the good kind of thrill but the OMG THAT'S A GIANT ROACH kind. I was afraid that is was either heading for or coming from my pant cuff but no, it was sneaking across the floor. Gah. Sorry little dude, your number is up. We are calling my favorite lady to come get rid of allllll y'all.

Speaking of Thrill:

Intacto.

Watch it, even if you hate subtitles or thrillers.

Risotto con Cipolla (creamy rice with onions)

If you hate onions, cheese or both you can omit one or both and have a creamy chicken flavoured rice... it's not risotto without the cheese but whatevs, it's your damn kitchen right?

Ingredients

1/2 cup arborio rice (short grain rice)

3 cups chicken broth

2 tsp olive oil

1 Tbspn butter

1/2 cup grated Parmesan (optional)

1/2 cup diced onion (optional)

Cook It

1. Heat the broth in a small saucepan

2. On med-low heat in a medium sized saucepan 2 tsp olive oil, 1 Tbspn butter and 1/2 cup diced onion

3. When onion is translucent add 1/2 cup rice and stir around constantly until rice gets a little toasty looking

4. Add 1/2 cup warm broth and stir into rice

5. When almost all the liquid has been absorbed add another 1/2 cup of broth and continue until all broth has been added

6. when rice is tender and looks creamy (about 20 minutes) remove from heat and if you choose to use it, stir in 1/2 cup grated Parmesan

Done.

Hong Kong Fuey or Devil Dogs

Some days I feel like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. Not that I want to shout "Hey Paul!" and smash an axe into someone's head (ok, you've got me, sometimes I think about it) but like a paranoid schizophrenic, I hear the wrong words a lot.

Such as this snippet from the coffee shop the other morning:
"I want your sex."
"Pardon?"
"I love your socks, where'd you get them"
"Oh! Target... check out the clearance section."
"Thanks!"

If you dig fictional serial killer books "American Psycho" is a good one. It's a little odd because the book is filled with brand name dropping and ultra focused on money and goods but that's the whole point of it. The movie version with Christian Bale is also pretty good. My favorite part is when he and his friends are mackin' on some models in a club and one lady asks him what he does and his answer is "Murders and Executions" and she replies back "Do you like it?".

Don't tell anyone, but people scare the crap out of me, maybe that's why I get sucked into these kinds of stories. Darkly Dreaming Dexter (yes, the book the tv show is based on) was pretty good too... a short read and somewhat vague in certain parts but that sort of behavior is a mystery to most of us so I can see why it was written that way.

Why am I thinking about this sort of thing.... I can't remember.
OH
Why are drawn hearts nothing like real hearts? Who made up the first heart symbol? Have your people check it out and get back to me ok? Thanks. I think I've finally figured out what I want to cover up my old tattoo with... another tattoo of a mechanical heart and/or gears and pipes. I need to contact a few artists and see what they can come up with. Why mechanics? Well, I am an automaton after all.

To get us all in the mood for weekend o' love, here's a recipe for devil dogs. It looks somewhat complicated but it's not bad. This one originated with my Grandmother O and they taste exactly like the store bought devil dogs. I feel like my family should sue.

Makes a billion little cakes.

So really it makes a half billion dogs

Also, I'm not really all here right now and the written recipe doesn't make sense so I might edit it again later on... thus ye be warned

Ingredients for Cake

2 cup flour

1 cup sugar

1/2 cup coacoa powder

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1 cup milk

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup shortening

Ingredients for Filling

1 cup milk

3 Tbspn flour

1 cup sugar

1 cup shortening

1 stick unsalted butter

1 tsp vanilla

Directions for cake part

1. Preheat oven to 325F

2. grease and flour cookie sheets

3. sift dry ingredients together

4. mix all wet ingredients and shortening into dry ingredients and combine until smooth

5. drop batter blobs onto cookie sheet leaving space between each cake (they expand a bit) try to keep each blob about the same size and shape- these will be the tops and bottoms of your devil dogs

6. Bake for about 15 minutes or until cake tester comes out dry

7. Cool completely on a rack

Directions for filling

1. Make pudding base- on low heat stir together 1 cup milk and 3 tbspn flour, stirring constantly stir until thick and set this aside to cool completely

2. cream together 1 cup sugar, 1 cup shortening*, 1 stick butter , 1 tsp vanilla

3. add cooled milk stuff to creamed mix and stir very well

4. you can freeze any extra filling

make little sandwiches and eat

*shortening was listed as Oleo which took a google search then a phone call to the real expert- Me Mum

English Muffin Bread

I smashed my f-ing finger.

So's you know: I routinely injure myself in small ways, knife nicks, hot fat burns, gum stuck in my hair... it happens. There are few injuries that send my temper through the roof like a smash of the finger or a stub of the toe (which is really the same thing now that I think about it). AND I'm not allowed to yell or be loud in the kitchen ever since someone let off a huge fart in there and we realized you could hear it clear as day on the porch. The mister doesn't want anyone thinking he's some creepy abuser of the ladies. Whatevs, as if he could take me. I'd moid-e-lize him, I'd bite his kneecaps, I'd poke him in the bellybutton, I'd... I'd... probably throw a handful of sand in his face and run like hell.
I'm wee you see.

How did I smash my f-ing finger?

With a frozen chicken.
Is this avine retribution for all the feathered lives I've snuffed? Seriously, that one mockingbird was NOT my fault, he flew right into my car and exploded. It was birdicide and it was disgusting.

I'd also like you to know that while I do love the occassional bird watching excursion, I have a serious aversion to pigeons and large birds. Contrary to science, geese are birds of prey and they're bastards who should only be near people when they're on the dinner table. Same goes for those flying rats.
Birds are Majestic and beautiful sure, but those little claws could rip your eyeballs to shreds, and their beaks could peck out your intestines and then they'd do the tail feather twitch on your pitiful corpse for the final insult.

Alouette: I will je te plumerai la tete. Don't mess with me.

Anyway, I now have a bruise under my fingernail the bird nightmare has reared its ugly head. and I'm in need of some comfort food such as english muffin bread.

Just so happens I have a recipe...

Makes 1 loaf (heh heh heh loaf.)

INGREDIENTS
2 3/4 - 3 cups bread flour
1 packet of yeast (I think it's 1 tbspn + 1 tsp?)
1/2 TBspn sugar
1 tsp salt
1/8 tsp soda
1 cup milk
1/4 c Water
1 Tbspn cornmeal

Proof
1. Preheat your oven to 115F when it reaches temp, shut the oven off
2. Heat 1 cup milk and 1/4 cup water until very warm (about 110-120F)
3. Stir 1/2 Tbspn sugar and yeast into the warm liquids until the yeast is dissolved (or mostly)
4. set aside (eventually the liquid will look all scummy or frothy- this is the yeast poop*, it's good)

Sift Dry
1. sift or combine 2 cups flour, 1 tsp salt, 1/8 tsp soda
2. set aside

The Greasy Gritty Rubdown
1. grease your bread loaf pan
2. coat the inside of your pan with cornmeal
3. set aside

Mix and let rise
1. Pour all the liquid into your sifted dry ingredients and stir around until you have a stiff batter
2. Dump the batter into your bread pan
3. Let it rise in a warm place such as your 115F oven for 60 minutes or until double in size. Keep in mind however high it is when you put it into the oven to bake is how high it will stay.

Bake
1. After rise take bread out of oven and set aside
2. preheat oven to 400F
3. Bake for about 25 minutes or until the top is golden. Remove bread from pan immediately and cool on a rack.
4. Enjoy :)


*yeast poop or yeast exhalations... can't remember which and poo is a less palatable idea so there you are