Inedible.
Many of us have had those nights/days when the decision to try something new blows up in the face. Last night was one for me. I can stomach a lot of bad stuff, and I'm open to new tastes and textures. When my little container of Chocolate pudding unexpectedly turned green on the bottom... I thought 'It doesn't smell bad. What the hell, I'll give it a shot.' and I suffered the consequences.
This was seriously horrid.
I've never cooked tempeh before but I figured I'd try. I've eaten it before and it was good. It's a fermented soybean product kind of like a veggie burger. I'm not sure if it's the brand I bought or if it is my poor technique or just a combo of both but holy shit was it disgusting. In conclusion: It was mushy/grainy in texture with unexpected large bean lumps, it had a bite that wasn't quite a bean and wasn't quite like the tempeh I've had before AND the bitter, almost chemical taste did not boil out so it overpowered the sauce I'd made (which wasn't bad). -Many online tips as well as a few cookbooks I took a look at advised boiling tempeh for 10 minutes to help remove the bitter taste then chill it, cut it and cook it.
Yeah, boiling didn't do a damn thing.
The Mister also hated it and not even ketchup could save it for him. Ketchup is the pinnacle of condiments for him. Puts it on everything except tater tots*. Heretic. (Second place is bbq sauce.)
In any case I may try it again in the future but for now all temeph experiments will be placed on hold and I'll stick to tofu and I may try seitan. WOO! SA-TAN!
I hate it when I transpose numbers and call some random person. Have you ever had a long conversation with someone you don't know on the phone? This happens to me every once in a while (like every 5 years). I called the wrong number, an older man voice answered, I apologized for the mistake, he was gracious and then proceeded with small talk which progressed to talk of how his business was failing but he's ok with it cause it's time to retire anyway. Good Luck Mystery Gent! Made me remember that I like talking to people. Well, I don't like talking much, I weird people out and I'm not very good with the spoken word, but I like to listen to people. I forget how to talk to people most of the time because I get so out of practice. Part of me is of the opinion that one really doesn't need to talk much in life. It's a superfluous exercise in ego.
Exactly like this blog.
Let's seeeee a recipe for something, ummmmmmmm how about.....
Popovers
Ingredients
1 cup flour
1 cup milk
3 eggs
1/4 tsp salt
2 tbspn melted butter (for greasing pan)
1.Sacrifice to steam fairies.
2. Place small oven proof container with water in it into your oven
3. Grease your muffin tin or popover tin VERY WELL with the melted butter
4. Whisk together milk and eggs, whisk in flour and salt to make a thin batter
5. Pour muffin cups 1/2 full
6. Place pan into cold oven
7. Turn heat to 350
8. Bake until puffy and golden brown (about 35 mins? I can't remember off top of my head)
9. When you take 'em out of the oven poke holes in the top to let steam escape and this will help to prevent collapsed popovers
* Don't knock the tots. They're wonderful and a cult icon. Tater Tots is also a euphemism for certain anatomical features and this makes me giggle. I approve.
28 January, 2010
27 January, 2010
She who controls the spice
CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE.
Or at least the intestinal health of those you for whom you cook.
It's from Dune, you know Dune? Frank Herbert? Muad'Dib? Giant many toothed worms on a desert planet? Not only a spectacular set of books but I do love the various movie versions as ridiculous as they are... and the audio book from the library was one of the better readings to which I've listened.
Thinking of desert suns, have I mentioned how much I love the placement of my cubicle? Well, I do. I get to see the sunrise and trees. When I was little I imagined that the earth was a giant's head, trees were his hair, caves were pores and people were like lice. I hadn't figured out the whole ocean thing but really I was only seven. Sometimes imagination isn't really a pretty thing.
So you're aware: I'm going back to being unconcerned when I end sentences with a preposition... of.
I had a chunk of roasted pork loin from Sunday (see previous post) that I needed to offload. Stir fry with noodles it is! I was slightly concerned about the residual rosemary but seems that it doesn't matter when soy sauce is thrown in the mix. It was one of the more successful stir fry type things I've done.
Here's how I did it, Add whatevs you want:
Ingredients
Half a box of linguine or Chinese noodles... whatever kind of noodle you'd like
1 small head bok choy sliced lengthwise
1 cup roast pork cut into strips
1 large carrot cut into strips
1 celery stalk sliced into your preferred eating shape
1/2 cup sliced orange bell pepper (I like the orange ones.)
1/2 cup sliced onion
1 garlic clove
1/2 tsp minced ginger
1 TBspn oyster sauce
1 tsp sugar
2 tbspn rice wine
1/4 cup lite soy sauce
1/2 tsp Chinese 5 spice powder
1/4 cayenne pepper (optional)
1 tsp sesame oil
1TBspn vegetable oil
The Veggie treatment
1. wash slice/chop all veggies and set aside
Noodle treatment (can be simultaneous with veggie treatment)
1. Cook your noodles according to directions
2. drain and set aside
Sauce base
1. Mix 1 TBspn oyster sauce, 1 1/2 tsp sugar, 2 Tbspn rice wine, 3 Tbspn lite soy sauce, 1/2 tsp chinese 5 spice powder in a small bowl or measuring cup and set aside
Cook it all
1. Heat 1 tsp seame oil and 1 Tbspn veg oil in a large skillet or wok if you have one
2. Add onions and cook for 2 minutes
3. add sliced garlic clove, ginger and pork stir it around for 1 minute
4. add carrots, celery, bell pepper cook for 2 minutes
5. add bok choy and stir around
6. Optional: sprinkle 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper over the whole mess or more if you likes it HOT and stir it in
7. Add the soy sauce mix and stir it around until it coats all the veggies and meat
8. taste it and see if it needs something
9. when the vegetables are cooked to your liking, remove pan from heat, add noodles and stir around to coat noodles with the sauce
heh heh loin
Or at least the intestinal health of those you for whom you cook.
It's from Dune, you know Dune? Frank Herbert? Muad'Dib? Giant many toothed worms on a desert planet? Not only a spectacular set of books but I do love the various movie versions as ridiculous as they are... and the audio book from the library was one of the better readings to which I've listened.
Thinking of desert suns, have I mentioned how much I love the placement of my cubicle? Well, I do. I get to see the sunrise and trees. When I was little I imagined that the earth was a giant's head, trees were his hair, caves were pores and people were like lice. I hadn't figured out the whole ocean thing but really I was only seven. Sometimes imagination isn't really a pretty thing.
So you're aware: I'm going back to being unconcerned when I end sentences with a preposition... of.
I had a chunk of roasted pork loin from Sunday (see previous post) that I needed to offload. Stir fry with noodles it is! I was slightly concerned about the residual rosemary but seems that it doesn't matter when soy sauce is thrown in the mix. It was one of the more successful stir fry type things I've done.
Here's how I did it, Add whatevs you want:
Ingredients
Half a box of linguine or Chinese noodles... whatever kind of noodle you'd like
1 small head bok choy sliced lengthwise
1 cup roast pork cut into strips
1 large carrot cut into strips
1 celery stalk sliced into your preferred eating shape
1/2 cup sliced orange bell pepper (I like the orange ones.)
1/2 cup sliced onion
1 garlic clove
1/2 tsp minced ginger
1 TBspn oyster sauce
1 tsp sugar
2 tbspn rice wine
1/4 cup lite soy sauce
1/2 tsp Chinese 5 spice powder
1/4 cayenne pepper (optional)
1 tsp sesame oil
1TBspn vegetable oil
The Veggie treatment
1. wash slice/chop all veggies and set aside
Noodle treatment (can be simultaneous with veggie treatment)
1. Cook your noodles according to directions
2. drain and set aside
Sauce base
1. Mix 1 TBspn oyster sauce, 1 1/2 tsp sugar, 2 Tbspn rice wine, 3 Tbspn lite soy sauce, 1/2 tsp chinese 5 spice powder in a small bowl or measuring cup and set aside
Cook it all
1. Heat 1 tsp seame oil and 1 Tbspn veg oil in a large skillet or wok if you have one
2. Add onions and cook for 2 minutes
3. add sliced garlic clove, ginger and pork stir it around for 1 minute
4. add carrots, celery, bell pepper cook for 2 minutes
5. add bok choy and stir around
6. Optional: sprinkle 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper over the whole mess or more if you likes it HOT and stir it in
7. Add the soy sauce mix and stir it around until it coats all the veggies and meat
8. taste it and see if it needs something
9. when the vegetables are cooked to your liking, remove pan from heat, add noodles and stir around to coat noodles with the sauce
heh heh loin
26 January, 2010
Roasted Loin of Pork with Garlic & Rosemary
So: Food of a younger land = an anthology of essays, poems and the like from the New Deal's WPA. If you've never heard of WPA, look it up. What an amazing idea and it boggles the mind that any U.S. president was able to make it work. I know it would be a worthwhile project in the ole U.S. right now particularly as LOTS of people are out of work, but no politician is going to approve of money for a writer to write an article about local produce or a painter to create a painting. Americans seem to traditionally disapprove of setting aside money for the arts. I suppose it would be too much to ask for support for unemployed who may figure out teleportation or be the next Edward Hopper. We need an artistic revival, a Renaissance of some sort. It's stifling to live here right now. To quote the Joker, 'this town needs an enema'.
Anyway, the book's broken up into U.S. regions and some of the writings are quite amusing. It would be a good "bathroom book" for a person interested in US regional food history and traditions.
Still haven't decided whether or not to buy the mastering knife skills book. I'm leaning towards yes but must save a little money for it.
In the interim, I'm reading another Kurlansky book "Salt: A World History" sounds lame right? It's interesting, and it's exactly what the title says. It's a well written history of humans and our dependence on/uses of/wars fought over salt.
I'm also reading some fantasy type book that has all the major ingredients for this genre: The Mage (sometimes a babe and most times a healer), The Warrior, The Elf (sometimes a princess), The Evil Badguy (which is redundant I guess...).
Two things for you to know:
'Archer' is on FX channel thursdays 10:30 EST- watch it and piss yourself laughing.
I made a killer roast on Sunday.
Kill Her.
Ingredients
1 pork loin or half of one... mine was about 3 lbs
6 large garlic cloves
3 rosemary 6" twigs
salt
pepper
1 large onion
2 large potatoes
2 Tbspn olive oil
Ready your baking pan/oven
1. Pre-heat oven to 375
2. slice each garlic clove in half and place in baking pan so meat will sit on top of garlic
3. put 2 twigs of rosemary with the garlic
Wash your pig
1. rinse off loin (hahhaha loins)
2. pat dry on both sides
Rub your hog heh heh heh
1. sprinkle salt and pepper over whole pork loin
2. rub it in
Brown your swine
1. heat 2 tbspn olive oil in a large pan
2. Sear each side of the pork loin (about 2 mins on each side)
Ready for baking?
1. place pork loin on top of garlic cloves/rosemary twigs
2. chop up the last rosemary twig and sprinkle on top of pork
3. roughly chop your onion and place into baking dish on top of and around the pork
4. roughly chop tatos and place around the pork loin
5. Pour any liquid from the browning pan over the pork
6. Loosely cover the pork with Al foil and poke a steam hole in the top of foil
7. Bake for about 60 minutes or until internal temp reaches 160F
8. Remove pan from oven and let rest for 10 minutes
Anyway, the book's broken up into U.S. regions and some of the writings are quite amusing. It would be a good "bathroom book" for a person interested in US regional food history and traditions.
Still haven't decided whether or not to buy the mastering knife skills book. I'm leaning towards yes but must save a little money for it.
In the interim, I'm reading another Kurlansky book "Salt: A World History" sounds lame right? It's interesting, and it's exactly what the title says. It's a well written history of humans and our dependence on/uses of/wars fought over salt.
I'm also reading some fantasy type book that has all the major ingredients for this genre: The Mage (sometimes a babe and most times a healer), The Warrior, The Elf (sometimes a princess), The Evil Badguy (which is redundant I guess...).
Two things for you to know:
'Archer' is on FX channel thursdays 10:30 EST- watch it and piss yourself laughing.
I made a killer roast on Sunday.
Kill Her.
Ingredients
1 pork loin or half of one... mine was about 3 lbs
6 large garlic cloves
3 rosemary 6" twigs
salt
pepper
1 large onion
2 large potatoes
2 Tbspn olive oil
Ready your baking pan/oven
1. Pre-heat oven to 375
2. slice each garlic clove in half and place in baking pan so meat will sit on top of garlic
3. put 2 twigs of rosemary with the garlic
Wash your pig
1. rinse off loin (hahhaha loins)
2. pat dry on both sides
Rub your hog heh heh heh
1. sprinkle salt and pepper over whole pork loin
2. rub it in
Brown your swine
1. heat 2 tbspn olive oil in a large pan
2. Sear each side of the pork loin (about 2 mins on each side)
Ready for baking?
1. place pork loin on top of garlic cloves/rosemary twigs
2. chop up the last rosemary twig and sprinkle on top of pork
3. roughly chop your onion and place into baking dish on top of and around the pork
4. roughly chop tatos and place around the pork loin
5. Pour any liquid from the browning pan over the pork
6. Loosely cover the pork with Al foil and poke a steam hole in the top of foil
7. Bake for about 60 minutes or until internal temp reaches 160F
8. Remove pan from oven and let rest for 10 minutes
20 January, 2010
Mear-pwah and mini review of "Notes on Cooking"
Last Night I read Notes on Cooking: A Short Guide to an Essential Craft by Lauren Braun Costello and Russell Reich. Yes, last night- it's a short read, divided into main sections such as "Poultry" and "Sanitation" and further subdivided into numbered "rules".
1.This book is purposefully and refreshingly written in absolutes.
Advice such as 1. Never touch your face while cooking and 2. Always flag your hot pans.
2. This is really the format of the entire book.
3.There are a few other useful sections such as a recommended reading and and afterword from Dorothy Hamilton. And that's D.Hamilton the founder of FCI, not D.Hamill the ice skater. Who, incidentally, inspired millions with her hair and inspired yours truly to skate backwards.
Skate backwards DPO? Piece o' cake. Really, you think so? It's not that easy to learn on reedy town ponds and "the world". For those of you not in the know, The World is a swamplike area across the street fom my cousins' house. It was rife with invisible tree roots who's main goal is to make your brain pop out of your forehead.
Ever play crack the whip? Crack your ass is a more apt descriptor. Sure Mom, that sounds like fun! I wanna know, Why does the baby always have to be the first one sent off into oblivion to eventually fall and break through the ice with her head? Figure you can make some more?! Huh! HUH!!?? Lady, it is a Good thing your consoling hugs are so perfect. Sigh
4. All in all it was a somewhat useful little book for this Amateur Night. Ms. Book was encouraging in a way... to find out that I already practice certain "rules" without being told made me feel that all the experimentin' was worth it. Much like Ikea, this book gives you the very basic tools and instructions and says have at it. That's the way I like it.
Do you think Ikea ever lets their packaging designers out of the sub-basement? How, in the name of all that's holy, do they fit an entire room of furniture into 3 boxes that fits in my tiny car? Give those clever Swedes a Grojkkva*.
5. And who knew that the onion/celery/carrot mix I make has a fancy french name other than merde...
Actually I did know. But. I did not know that the proper ratio of 1:1:2 had a reason other than celery sometimes makes a dish taste weird if you use too much. Mirepoix makes soup stock taste just right and it also adds a little suntin' suntin' to roasts and the like. Apparently you're not supposed to eat it after it's cooked but I'm a peasant so what can I say.
Mirepoix Ratios brought to measurements
Ingredients
1/4 cup diced carrot
1/4 cup diced celery
1/2 cup diced onion
I add this to store bought stock to make it tastier and if'n you want a more Cajun flair, substitute green bell pepper for carrot.
Today I am going to start reading The Food of a Younger Land and trying to get my mitts on Essential Knife Skills. I hoping there's a section that will debate the finer points of the shiv. I'll let you know how it turns out.
*Ikean for raise.
1.This book is purposefully and refreshingly written in absolutes.
Advice such as 1. Never touch your face while cooking and 2. Always flag your hot pans.
2. This is really the format of the entire book.
3.There are a few other useful sections such as a recommended reading and and afterword from Dorothy Hamilton. And that's D.Hamilton the founder of FCI, not D.Hamill the ice skater. Who, incidentally, inspired millions with her hair and inspired yours truly to skate backwards.
Skate backwards DPO? Piece o' cake. Really, you think so? It's not that easy to learn on reedy town ponds and "the world". For those of you not in the know, The World is a swamplike area across the street fom my cousins' house. It was rife with invisible tree roots who's main goal is to make your brain pop out of your forehead.
Ever play crack the whip? Crack your ass is a more apt descriptor. Sure Mom, that sounds like fun! I wanna know, Why does the baby always have to be the first one sent off into oblivion to eventually fall and break through the ice with her head? Figure you can make some more?! Huh! HUH!!?? Lady, it is a Good thing your consoling hugs are so perfect. Sigh
4. All in all it was a somewhat useful little book for this Amateur Night. Ms. Book was encouraging in a way... to find out that I already practice certain "rules" without being told made me feel that all the experimentin' was worth it. Much like Ikea, this book gives you the very basic tools and instructions and says have at it. That's the way I like it.
Do you think Ikea ever lets their packaging designers out of the sub-basement? How, in the name of all that's holy, do they fit an entire room of furniture into 3 boxes that fits in my tiny car? Give those clever Swedes a Grojkkva*.
5. And who knew that the onion/celery/carrot mix I make has a fancy french name other than merde...
Actually I did know. But. I did not know that the proper ratio of 1:1:2 had a reason other than celery sometimes makes a dish taste weird if you use too much. Mirepoix makes soup stock taste just right and it also adds a little suntin' suntin' to roasts and the like. Apparently you're not supposed to eat it after it's cooked but I'm a peasant so what can I say.
Mirepoix Ratios brought to measurements
Ingredients
1/4 cup diced carrot
1/4 cup diced celery
1/2 cup diced onion
I add this to store bought stock to make it tastier and if'n you want a more Cajun flair, substitute green bell pepper for carrot.
Today I am going to start reading The Food of a Younger Land and trying to get my mitts on Essential Knife Skills. I hoping there's a section that will debate the finer points of the shiv. I'll let you know how it turns out.
*Ikean for raise.
19 January, 2010
Fate Commands Me to be Lazy.
Every morning I have a debate with myself about taking an elevator up towards the office or the stairs. Currently there's a 70/30 split. I have a superior knack for making excuses- my muscles are still really sore, my knees hurt, what if I lose my balance and fall down the stairs again? (Yes, again.) This morning before getting to the second elevator and stairwell a.k.a. point of no return, the mental self abuse paid off. I decided to stop being a pantie waist and take the stairs.
If you need tips with your self debates, the usual winning point of stair taking for me is 'Bruce Lee said to only take the stairs'.
Please, let me be frank*, I do believe Bruce Lee knew what's what. In fight scenes, Bruce Lee was a man who bit the legs of and kicked the nuts of bad dudes. That is a fighter I can admire. Use what you've got! Metal lunchbox? Arm in cast? Both of those items will brain thy enemy or at the very least make 'em cry so you can run away. Fighting aside, it should also be noted Mr. Lee was hot in a thin muscley kind of way. I feel like he could speak jive, shoot pool and be easy with the ladies all the while maintaining a strict dietary and moral code. That is one Bad-ass... monk?
In any case, there was a sign posted on the door "Stairwell Closed. To Be used in cases of emergency only."
Huh.
I love Whiskey Sours.
You may now go about your business.
Ingredients
2 shots of whiskey
2 dashes of sour mix
small amount water or seltzer (optional)
ice
1. dump some ice in a glass (I don't use a lot cause I add seltzer)
2. add 2 shots of whiskey of your choice
3. OPTIONAL add small amount of seltzer or water
3. add 2 dashes of sour mix
4. Stir it, taste it add more sour mix to taste
*Yes, yes... and you can be Shirley.
If you need tips with your self debates, the usual winning point of stair taking for me is 'Bruce Lee said to only take the stairs'.
Please, let me be frank*, I do believe Bruce Lee knew what's what. In fight scenes, Bruce Lee was a man who bit the legs of and kicked the nuts of bad dudes. That is a fighter I can admire. Use what you've got! Metal lunchbox? Arm in cast? Both of those items will brain thy enemy or at the very least make 'em cry so you can run away. Fighting aside, it should also be noted Mr. Lee was hot in a thin muscley kind of way. I feel like he could speak jive, shoot pool and be easy with the ladies all the while maintaining a strict dietary and moral code. That is one Bad-ass... monk?
In any case, there was a sign posted on the door "Stairwell Closed. To Be used in cases of emergency only."
Huh.
I love Whiskey Sours.
You may now go about your business.
Ingredients
2 shots of whiskey
2 dashes of sour mix
small amount water or seltzer (optional)
ice
1. dump some ice in a glass (I don't use a lot cause I add seltzer)
2. add 2 shots of whiskey of your choice
3. OPTIONAL add small amount of seltzer or water
3. add 2 dashes of sour mix
4. Stir it, taste it add more sour mix to taste
*Yes, yes... and you can be Shirley.
15 January, 2010
Nekkid Bran Muffins
For Educational Purposes Only.
For those of you not in the know, Catholic School survivors generally go one of two ways with clothing due to wearing a uniform for 12+ years.
Some of us become obsessed with them at a young age because they are denied:
"YES!! I must express myself through securing the laces of my approved brown or blue shoes with a weird pig tale knot."
"YES!! I WILL roll down my kneesocks and risk detention and roll up my skirt and risk rape."
Take that Diocese!
The other survivors barely realize they're wearing clothes. This is often due to an alcohol induced mental deficiency or too much focused reading of all the banned books:
"What? I have a slice of buttered toast stuck to my butt? Huh. Wondered where that went to... *munch munch*"
You could probably guess, I fall into the second category. I rarely buy clothes because I figure who's going to notice one small hole in the crotch and if they do, they won't say anything. That's right Jeffe, today is your lucky day. You can make cat hiss and kissy noises and scream "Mira MAMIIIII" and you and allllllll your little Pendejos can get a peak at my unders. I feel like those guys wait for days never moving until something like that happens and then they carve notches on their ahem, trouser snakes and move on to the next block. Ew.
Can you tell this was a common experience for me at one point? Although I will say that those same pendejos helped me chase down a bag of groceries I dropped and then stopped with the catcalls. So they're not bad guys, just misguided in the ways of attracting a lady.
.....AND we're back!
At UCONN I learned that all clothing will be ruined. Ruined by paint, clay, sawdust, catching your shirt on fire in the metalshops or some douchebag puking on your favorite stripey toe socks. (Alex.) At work, I schlep boxes around and crawl on dusty floors, why would I want to risk nice clothes?
Due the Holiday generosity of my famblies I've recently been able to purchase some clothing. Granted, because I'm cheap my store options are limited. I'm not one to pay more than $30 for jeans on sale or about the same for a nice shit. So Kohl's, Old Navy and T.J. Maxx, in the words of my forefathers I say unto you; "What the shit is this." Why after one wear/wash do all the fucking buttons fall off? Or they sprout that One Thread that hangs there mocking you, daring you to pull it even though you KNOW if you do the button will fall off. I want to give Inspected by 253 a piece of my mind. What happened to quality control?
F.U. that's what. Oh Yeah!!?! Well... same to you.
Bran Muffins with nothing in 'em
Ingredients
1 cup buttermilk
1/3 cup canola oil
1 egg
1 1/2 cup wheat bran
1 cup flour
2/3 cup brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp vanilla
OVEN
Preheat oven to 400F
Line 12 cup muffin pan with papers or grease the cups
Soak Bran
1. Stir together 1 cup buttermilk and 1 1/2 cup wheat bran in a large bowl and set aside
Make the rest
1. Sift together 1 cup flour, 1 tsp soda, 1 tsp powder, 1/4 tsp salt set aside
2. Beat 1/3 cup oil, 1 egg, 2/3 cup brown sugar and 1/2 tsp vanilla until creamed together and add this to the soaked wheat bran
3. Quickly mix in all sifted dry ingredients
4. If you want anything else in your muffin, now is the time. (Dirty.)
5. Spoon batter into muffin cups about 2/3rds full
Bake for about 15-20 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean from the center
For those of you not in the know, Catholic School survivors generally go one of two ways with clothing due to wearing a uniform for 12+ years.
Some of us become obsessed with them at a young age because they are denied:
"YES!! I must express myself through securing the laces of my approved brown or blue shoes with a weird pig tale knot."
"YES!! I WILL roll down my kneesocks and risk detention and roll up my skirt and risk rape."
Take that Diocese!
The other survivors barely realize they're wearing clothes. This is often due to an alcohol induced mental deficiency or too much focused reading of all the banned books:
"What? I have a slice of buttered toast stuck to my butt? Huh. Wondered where that went to... *munch munch*"
You could probably guess, I fall into the second category. I rarely buy clothes because I figure who's going to notice one small hole in the crotch and if they do, they won't say anything. That's right Jeffe, today is your lucky day. You can make cat hiss and kissy noises and scream "Mira MAMIIIII" and you and allllllll your little Pendejos can get a peak at my unders. I feel like those guys wait for days never moving until something like that happens and then they carve notches on their ahem, trouser snakes and move on to the next block. Ew.
Can you tell this was a common experience for me at one point? Although I will say that those same pendejos helped me chase down a bag of groceries I dropped and then stopped with the catcalls. So they're not bad guys, just misguided in the ways of attracting a lady.
.....AND we're back!
At UCONN I learned that all clothing will be ruined. Ruined by paint, clay, sawdust, catching your shirt on fire in the metalshops or some douchebag puking on your favorite stripey toe socks. (Alex.) At work, I schlep boxes around and crawl on dusty floors, why would I want to risk nice clothes?
Due the Holiday generosity of my famblies I've recently been able to purchase some clothing. Granted, because I'm cheap my store options are limited. I'm not one to pay more than $30 for jeans on sale or about the same for a nice shit. So Kohl's, Old Navy and T.J. Maxx, in the words of my forefathers I say unto you; "What the shit is this." Why after one wear/wash do all the fucking buttons fall off? Or they sprout that One Thread that hangs there mocking you, daring you to pull it even though you KNOW if you do the button will fall off. I want to give Inspected by 253 a piece of my mind. What happened to quality control?
F.U. that's what. Oh Yeah!!?! Well... same to you.
Bran Muffins with nothing in 'em
Ingredients
1 cup buttermilk
1/3 cup canola oil
1 egg
1 1/2 cup wheat bran
1 cup flour
2/3 cup brown sugar
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp vanilla
OVEN
Preheat oven to 400F
Line 12 cup muffin pan with papers or grease the cups
Soak Bran
1. Stir together 1 cup buttermilk and 1 1/2 cup wheat bran in a large bowl and set aside
Make the rest
1. Sift together 1 cup flour, 1 tsp soda, 1 tsp powder, 1/4 tsp salt set aside
2. Beat 1/3 cup oil, 1 egg, 2/3 cup brown sugar and 1/2 tsp vanilla until creamed together and add this to the soaked wheat bran
3. Quickly mix in all sifted dry ingredients
4. If you want anything else in your muffin, now is the time. (Dirty.)
5. Spoon batter into muffin cups about 2/3rds full
Bake for about 15-20 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean from the center
13 January, 2010
Fast-ish Lamb Stew or Lamb Curry-type stew
Just so you're aware, I'm a little ornery today and I have my angry eyes on. (please see Toy Story 2 for definition of angry eyes)
You should also be aware that lambs are adorable and they're super tasty. I almost feel guilty snuffing out a young life but sheep are probably one of the dumbest animals on the planet so I'm saving Lambykins YEARS of pain. No, I am! This lamb will not be in anyone's book of stupid quotes as having gone to the Vatican and said "Do we really have to visit all Sixteen Chapels?".** Nooooo way, there will be no pondering "how DO those sharks hold their breath for so long!" for my Lamb.
Degradation.
My lamb will know none of it.
I've found that the stringy cuts of lamb with some bones works best for this dish. Of course if I were honest I'd just tell you I use whatever I can get on sale. Lambs is ECKS-SPAHN-SIVE. In the world of the foodie*, the proper way to cook and eat is to buy the best ingredient you can and eat less of good instead of mounds of garbage. I'm trying... really I am but it can be difficult for those like me who have an woefully astounding ignorance of food and grew up eating the garbage as a treat. So how am I trying to fix this? Books and eating new stuff. And there are such a lot of both. Sigh
Thinking of bad decisions and expense
Like a lot of other proles, I sometimes watch shows on the food network. I could develop a snobby 'tude about the various shows but they're entertaining and I've gotten ideas from them. I've even had the desire to get nekkid with the Chairman.("Tonight's Iron Chef Special Ingredient is....... ooRRRR-GASM!!")
I think they're all insane and totally out of touch with life and how real people live but again, this IS television. If they portrayed real "down-home" cooking they would visit me on a Thursday night when I've worked 13 hours and decide that Yes, 3 pickles, a questionable slice of pizza and chocolate pudding DOES a meal make. Somehow I don't think ratings would be so good with the target demographic...
Our Contessa friend on this channel seems like a lovely woman with a horrendous laugh and also seems a yuppie scum of the worst kind- Unaware. Seriously. Yes, I would love to make the perfect beef roast or 12 cheese macaroni for my family but we can't afford to spend what would amount to 2 weeks of groceries on one cut of meat or brick of imported cheese. What a fathead. Speaking of fat, really? Do you NEED to make a giant 4 layer cake for 2 people? Well ok... sometimes you really do.
Dear F.N.,
Make a goddamn show about how to cook tasty stuff for 1 person. There are many, many people out there who really enjoy living on their own and eating decent food but cooking a pot of stew then eating for 2 weeks sucks furry cat balls. Make one of the parameters of this show an attention to the fact that most people do not HAVE the money to buy fancy stuff (or leeks for that matter) and you don't need to eat a stick of butter with every meal. Haute Ramen is not necessary but how about utilizing economical ingredients i.e. canola oil instead of peanut oil and normal portions- like 1 steak and 1 potato for 2 people. Most of us wee households understand that if you double a recipe you can have leftovers.
I like cake. The mister likes cake. How about a recipe for a tiny cake? All of my recipes are for 16 serving cakes and I'm too cheap to buy one of those lame baking for 2 books and too lazy to go to the library. I won't even comment on the amount of Krap on the internets for this subject. I already pay for your network which is on my cable without my having any input, so let's go! Until I can choose my t.v. networks a la carte, I want my monies' worth. Also while I'm at it, get that giant headed bird girl with the huge tatas to stop saying 'crunch'.
And please keep in mind if I hear the words "just", "chipotle" or "microgreens" again I will mail you a box of cockroaches.
Sincerely,
The DPO
So, um... heh heh... I'm better now, thank you. And to my chagrin after that rant, the following recipe makes a lot.
also works with chicken, beef and well drained, extra-firm tofu.
Ingredients
1 1/2 lbs lamb (w/some bones if possible)
1/2 cup diced onion
2 large carrots cut into large chunks
2 large potatoes cut into large chunks
2 cups stock or broth (veal is optimal but who has that... chicken or beef works well too)
1/4 cup flour
1 tsp oil (canola, olive... whatever)
1 TBspn tomato paste
3 cloves of garlic smashed
pepper and salt to taste
If you don't like curry or don't have these spices, omit the following ingredients and this will make lamb stew
1 tsp minced ginger
1 Tbspn mild curry powder
2 cardamom pods
2 cloves
1/2 tsp cumin
1 tsp garam masala
1/4 tsp cayenne (optional, add 1/2 tsp if you like super hot)
Get everything ready
1.Cut your lamb into bite sized chunks
2. Measure out flour/broth and all that
3. cut up all the veggies
Brown da meat and onions
1. Heat 1 tsp of oil in a large deep heavy pan (at least 3 inches deep,I use a braising pan) until it shimmers
2. Place 1/2 cup diced onion and lamb chunks/bones into pan and brown lamb all all sides (it doesn't need to be cooked all the way through)
3. Remove lamb/onions from pan and stick it in a bowl (it's ok if some onions stay in the pan)
4. Turn heat to low-med
Roux to Stew
1. Dump 1/4 cup flour into pan and mix it around to soak up all the oil. Cook flour for 2 minutes
2. Pour broth in pan and stir vigorously or whisk to mix in the little flour blobs
3. Add 1 Tbspn tomato paste and stir it in
4. Add the lamb/onion and any accumulated juices back into the pan
5. Add all other ingredients EXCEPT the garam masala (if you're using it)
6. Bring to a boil
6. Lower heat and cook on low for 30-40 minutes or until potatoes are tender
7. Add 1 tsp garam masala just before serving, stir it in and serve it up
*Yes, I hate the word "foodie" too, but Gourmand does not apply to most of us because we wouldn't know how to eat an ortolan if it flew in our mouths.
(Yes, yes... I know. They're endangered and even the French banned eating them. Here's a quarter, go buy some humour.)
**This was an actual question an art history major asked me when we went to the Sistine Chapel. I'm not shitting you and she wasn't joking. I told her there were seventeen chapels.
You should also be aware that lambs are adorable and they're super tasty. I almost feel guilty snuffing out a young life but sheep are probably one of the dumbest animals on the planet so I'm saving Lambykins YEARS of pain. No, I am! This lamb will not be in anyone's book of stupid quotes as having gone to the Vatican and said "Do we really have to visit all Sixteen Chapels?".** Nooooo way, there will be no pondering "how DO those sharks hold their breath for so long!" for my Lamb.
Degradation.
My lamb will know none of it.
I've found that the stringy cuts of lamb with some bones works best for this dish. Of course if I were honest I'd just tell you I use whatever I can get on sale. Lambs is ECKS-SPAHN-SIVE. In the world of the foodie*, the proper way to cook and eat is to buy the best ingredient you can and eat less of good instead of mounds of garbage. I'm trying... really I am but it can be difficult for those like me who have an woefully astounding ignorance of food and grew up eating the garbage as a treat. So how am I trying to fix this? Books and eating new stuff. And there are such a lot of both. Sigh
Thinking of bad decisions and expense
Like a lot of other proles, I sometimes watch shows on the food network. I could develop a snobby 'tude about the various shows but they're entertaining and I've gotten ideas from them. I've even had the desire to get nekkid with the Chairman.("Tonight's Iron Chef Special Ingredient is....... ooRRRR-GASM!!")
I think they're all insane and totally out of touch with life and how real people live but again, this IS television. If they portrayed real "down-home" cooking they would visit me on a Thursday night when I've worked 13 hours and decide that Yes, 3 pickles, a questionable slice of pizza and chocolate pudding DOES a meal make. Somehow I don't think ratings would be so good with the target demographic...
Our Contessa friend on this channel seems like a lovely woman with a horrendous laugh and also seems a yuppie scum of the worst kind- Unaware. Seriously. Yes, I would love to make the perfect beef roast or 12 cheese macaroni for my family but we can't afford to spend what would amount to 2 weeks of groceries on one cut of meat or brick of imported cheese. What a fathead. Speaking of fat, really? Do you NEED to make a giant 4 layer cake for 2 people? Well ok... sometimes you really do.
Dear F.N.,
Make a goddamn show about how to cook tasty stuff for 1 person. There are many, many people out there who really enjoy living on their own and eating decent food but cooking a pot of stew then eating for 2 weeks sucks furry cat balls. Make one of the parameters of this show an attention to the fact that most people do not HAVE the money to buy fancy stuff (or leeks for that matter) and you don't need to eat a stick of butter with every meal. Haute Ramen is not necessary but how about utilizing economical ingredients i.e. canola oil instead of peanut oil and normal portions- like 1 steak and 1 potato for 2 people. Most of us wee households understand that if you double a recipe you can have leftovers.
I like cake. The mister likes cake. How about a recipe for a tiny cake? All of my recipes are for 16 serving cakes and I'm too cheap to buy one of those lame baking for 2 books and too lazy to go to the library. I won't even comment on the amount of Krap on the internets for this subject. I already pay for your network which is on my cable without my having any input, so let's go! Until I can choose my t.v. networks a la carte, I want my monies' worth. Also while I'm at it, get that giant headed bird girl with the huge tatas to stop saying 'crunch'.
And please keep in mind if I hear the words "just", "chipotle" or "microgreens" again I will mail you a box of cockroaches.
Sincerely,
The DPO
So, um... heh heh... I'm better now, thank you. And to my chagrin after that rant, the following recipe makes a lot.
also works with chicken, beef and well drained, extra-firm tofu.
Ingredients
1 1/2 lbs lamb (w/some bones if possible)
1/2 cup diced onion
2 large carrots cut into large chunks
2 large potatoes cut into large chunks
2 cups stock or broth (veal is optimal but who has that... chicken or beef works well too)
1/4 cup flour
1 tsp oil (canola, olive... whatever)
1 TBspn tomato paste
3 cloves of garlic smashed
pepper and salt to taste
If you don't like curry or don't have these spices, omit the following ingredients and this will make lamb stew
1 tsp minced ginger
1 Tbspn mild curry powder
2 cardamom pods
2 cloves
1/2 tsp cumin
1 tsp garam masala
1/4 tsp cayenne (optional, add 1/2 tsp if you like super hot)
Get everything ready
1.Cut your lamb into bite sized chunks
2. Measure out flour/broth and all that
3. cut up all the veggies
Brown da meat and onions
1. Heat 1 tsp of oil in a large deep heavy pan (at least 3 inches deep,I use a braising pan) until it shimmers
2. Place 1/2 cup diced onion and lamb chunks/bones into pan and brown lamb all all sides (it doesn't need to be cooked all the way through)
3. Remove lamb/onions from pan and stick it in a bowl (it's ok if some onions stay in the pan)
4. Turn heat to low-med
Roux to Stew
1. Dump 1/4 cup flour into pan and mix it around to soak up all the oil. Cook flour for 2 minutes
2. Pour broth in pan and stir vigorously or whisk to mix in the little flour blobs
3. Add 1 Tbspn tomato paste and stir it in
4. Add the lamb/onion and any accumulated juices back into the pan
5. Add all other ingredients EXCEPT the garam masala (if you're using it)
6. Bring to a boil
6. Lower heat and cook on low for 30-40 minutes or until potatoes are tender
7. Add 1 tsp garam masala just before serving, stir it in and serve it up
*Yes, I hate the word "foodie" too, but Gourmand does not apply to most of us because we wouldn't know how to eat an ortolan if it flew in our mouths.
(Yes, yes... I know. They're endangered and even the French banned eating them. Here's a quarter, go buy some humour.)
**This was an actual question an art history major asked me when we went to the Sistine Chapel. I'm not shitting you and she wasn't joking. I told her there were seventeen chapels.
11 January, 2010
Lemon Curd
Really... what goes better with a scone? Nothing. Ok, maybe a beer.
This makes about 1 cup of lemon turd, which really goes a long way
Ingredients
5 large egg yolks
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup lemon juice (about 1 large lemon)
Grated Lemon zest of 1 lemon
4 Tbspn unsalted butter
1. In a heavy saucepan, whisk egg yolks and 1/2 cup sugar together for 1 minute
2. Whisk 1/4 cup lemon juice and zest into egg yolk mix
3. Stirring constantly, heat egg/lemon mix over low heat until it slightly thickens
4. Remove from heat, stir in 4 Tbspns butter until it's all melted in
5. Cool in Fridge (it will turn into a soft butter)
6. Store in fridge (you can also freeze it)
This makes about 1 cup of lemon turd, which really goes a long way
Ingredients
5 large egg yolks
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup lemon juice (about 1 large lemon)
Grated Lemon zest of 1 lemon
4 Tbspn unsalted butter
1. In a heavy saucepan, whisk egg yolks and 1/2 cup sugar together for 1 minute
2. Whisk 1/4 cup lemon juice and zest into egg yolk mix
3. Stirring constantly, heat egg/lemon mix over low heat until it slightly thickens
4. Remove from heat, stir in 4 Tbspns butter until it's all melted in
5. Cool in Fridge (it will turn into a soft butter)
6. Store in fridge (you can also freeze it)
On Wednesday I go shoppin'... Wheat Bran Scones
... and have buttered Scones for tea!
When I make scones I don't actually sing that song, I made up my own scone song. It only has two words: Mega (sometimes pronounced Mecha) and Scone. Feel free to sing your own version.
A few notes for this recipe:
My scones come out a bit more like American biscuits (Yes, yes, flaky like me.)if you'd like your scone to be a bit more crumbly, cut the butter into the flour more than I recommend.
Wheat bran can be purchased at most grocery stores in small-ish amounts. Due to the oils in wheat bran, it does go rancid if you leave it out for any length of time (2 weeks in a cabinet = bad). As far as I know, it doesn't seem to make you sick, it just tastes weird.
I store opened bags of wheat bran in a large ziplock in the fridge. This seems to last much longer... somewhere around 2 months. If you don't use wheat bran much or are just now starting to use it, get used to it a little. Try tasting a small amount and smell the bag just after you open it. Later, if you're unsure of your wheat bran you'll have an idea of what it was like before and you can taste a little bit, if it tastes bitter then, It's no good boss.
I'm sure there are other uses for wheat bran... I have a killer bran muffin recipe that I'll try to remember to post. Sometimes I mix a little into spaghetti sauce or breadcrumb mixes to sneak in the fiber. Really you can put it on anything...
You know, I write phrases like "sneak in the fiber" and I feel the need to cut myself.
Some of these steps may actually be unnecessary but it's how I makes 'em.
Ingredients
3 cups Flour
3 Tbspn sugar
2 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup butter (1 stick)
1 1/4 cups buttermilk (fat free works fine)
1/2 cup wheat bran
1 egg lightly beaten (for an egg wash)
Gather ye shtuff while ye may
1. Set out all your crap
2. In a bowl add 1/2 cup wheat bran and 1 1/4 cups buttermilk
3. Stir well to moisten all wheat bran, set aside in fridge to soak bran
4. Pre-heat your oven to 425F degrees (220C)
Cut in
1. In another large bowl mix 3 cups flour, 2Tbsn sugar, 2 1/2 tsp baking powder, 1/2 tsp soda, 1/2 tsp salt. If you're able to, put this bowl in the freezer for 2 minutes.
2. Cut cold butter into small chunks (1/4- 1/2" cubes)
3. Squish butter into flour with your fingers OR cut it into flour with 2 knives/pastry blender until butter chunks have decreased in size by at least half (a few larger chunks of butter are ok, this will create steam layers in your oven and make the dough "flaky") I will attach a pic next time I makes 'em
Mix and Roll out
1. Dump cold buttermilk/wheat bran mix into the flour/butter mix
2. If you want to add dried fruit/nuts or whatevs, this is the time to do it
3. Stir just until a sticky dough forms
4. Scrape down your bowl and turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface
5. With a floured rolling pin or your floured hands, gently knead or press the dough into approx 18x12" rectangle (over-working the dough will result in a tough chewy scone)
6. Fold the rectangle in half (this makes layers), cut it into triangles with a sharp knife. The triangles will expand a little bit so keep that in mind when you decide how large to cut them.
Bake
1. Place scones on a baking sheet lined with parchment about 1-2 inches apart (You can also use a buttered/floured baking sheet. If the scones are touching, those areas will be a little more dense and moist.)
2. Brush tops of scones with egg wash
3. Bake for 14-18 minutes until they're golden brown
4. Cool on a rack
When I make scones I don't actually sing that song, I made up my own scone song. It only has two words: Mega (sometimes pronounced Mecha) and Scone. Feel free to sing your own version.
A few notes for this recipe:
My scones come out a bit more like American biscuits (Yes, yes, flaky like me.)if you'd like your scone to be a bit more crumbly, cut the butter into the flour more than I recommend.
Wheat bran can be purchased at most grocery stores in small-ish amounts. Due to the oils in wheat bran, it does go rancid if you leave it out for any length of time (2 weeks in a cabinet = bad). As far as I know, it doesn't seem to make you sick, it just tastes weird.
I store opened bags of wheat bran in a large ziplock in the fridge. This seems to last much longer... somewhere around 2 months. If you don't use wheat bran much or are just now starting to use it, get used to it a little. Try tasting a small amount and smell the bag just after you open it. Later, if you're unsure of your wheat bran you'll have an idea of what it was like before and you can taste a little bit, if it tastes bitter then, It's no good boss.
I'm sure there are other uses for wheat bran... I have a killer bran muffin recipe that I'll try to remember to post. Sometimes I mix a little into spaghetti sauce or breadcrumb mixes to sneak in the fiber. Really you can put it on anything...
You know, I write phrases like "sneak in the fiber" and I feel the need to cut myself.
Some of these steps may actually be unnecessary but it's how I makes 'em.
Ingredients
3 cups Flour
3 Tbspn sugar
2 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup butter (1 stick)
1 1/4 cups buttermilk (fat free works fine)
1/2 cup wheat bran
1 egg lightly beaten (for an egg wash)
Gather ye shtuff while ye may
1. Set out all your crap
2. In a bowl add 1/2 cup wheat bran and 1 1/4 cups buttermilk
3. Stir well to moisten all wheat bran, set aside in fridge to soak bran
4. Pre-heat your oven to 425F degrees (220C)
Cut in
1. In another large bowl mix 3 cups flour, 2Tbsn sugar, 2 1/2 tsp baking powder, 1/2 tsp soda, 1/2 tsp salt. If you're able to, put this bowl in the freezer for 2 minutes.
2. Cut cold butter into small chunks (1/4- 1/2" cubes)
3. Squish butter into flour with your fingers OR cut it into flour with 2 knives/pastry blender until butter chunks have decreased in size by at least half (a few larger chunks of butter are ok, this will create steam layers in your oven and make the dough "flaky") I will attach a pic next time I makes 'em
Mix and Roll out
1. Dump cold buttermilk/wheat bran mix into the flour/butter mix
2. If you want to add dried fruit/nuts or whatevs, this is the time to do it
3. Stir just until a sticky dough forms
4. Scrape down your bowl and turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface
5. With a floured rolling pin or your floured hands, gently knead or press the dough into approx 18x12" rectangle (over-working the dough will result in a tough chewy scone)
6. Fold the rectangle in half (this makes layers), cut it into triangles with a sharp knife. The triangles will expand a little bit so keep that in mind when you decide how large to cut them.
Bake
1. Place scones on a baking sheet lined with parchment about 1-2 inches apart (You can also use a buttered/floured baking sheet. If the scones are touching, those areas will be a little more dense and moist.)
2. Brush tops of scones with egg wash
3. Bake for 14-18 minutes until they're golden brown
4. Cool on a rack
Eclair Custard! Chocolate Topping
I'd like to discuss Saturdays. I love Saturdays. End of discussion.
Chocolate Topping
Ingredients
1/2 cup chocolate chips
Melt them
Spread melted chocolate onto eclair shells
Done!
Now for the delectable eclair filling custard.
Ingredients
4 egg yolks
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup flour
1 1/2 cup milk
1 tsp vanilla
1 Tbsp peanut butter (optional)
Begin at the beginning
1. In a small sauce pan, with occasional stirring, bring the 1 1/2 cups milk just to a boil* (milk will look all foamy)
2. Remove from heat and let cool a little while you attend to the next steps
Prepare the Eggins
1. Separate 4 eggs putting the yolks into a medium sized bowl
2. Whisk 1/3 cup sugar into egg yolks
3. whisk 1/4 cup flour into egg yolks
Temper
1. Whisking constantly, add about 2 Tbspns warm milk into the egg yolk mixture
2. Slowly add remaining warm milk whisking constantly
Cook it
1. Pour liquid into sauce pan
2. Stir with spoon or spatula over low-med heat until it thickens and will slightly pull away from the pan
Additions
1. Pour thickened custard into a bowl add 1 tsp vanilla and if you wish for peanut butter flavoured custard, add 1 Tbsp peanut butter and stir until it's incorporated
2. Cool it and eat it or jam it into one of your artfully prepared eclair shells. (You genius you)
*Watch your boiling milk carefully, it's like your drunk friend who insists they can drive after drinking a 12 beers and 6 shots of jager- belligerent and liable to spew all over you at any moment. Don't let either one happen.
This public service announcement is complete, you may now go about your business.
Chocolate Topping
Ingredients
1/2 cup chocolate chips
Melt them
Spread melted chocolate onto eclair shells
Done!
Now for the delectable eclair filling custard.
Ingredients
4 egg yolks
1/3 cup sugar
1/4 cup flour
1 1/2 cup milk
1 tsp vanilla
1 Tbsp peanut butter (optional)
Begin at the beginning
1. In a small sauce pan, with occasional stirring, bring the 1 1/2 cups milk just to a boil* (milk will look all foamy)
2. Remove from heat and let cool a little while you attend to the next steps
Prepare the Eggins
1. Separate 4 eggs putting the yolks into a medium sized bowl
2. Whisk 1/3 cup sugar into egg yolks
3. whisk 1/4 cup flour into egg yolks
Temper
1. Whisking constantly, add about 2 Tbspns warm milk into the egg yolk mixture
2. Slowly add remaining warm milk whisking constantly
Cook it
1. Pour liquid into sauce pan
2. Stir with spoon or spatula over low-med heat until it thickens and will slightly pull away from the pan
Additions
1. Pour thickened custard into a bowl add 1 tsp vanilla and if you wish for peanut butter flavoured custard, add 1 Tbsp peanut butter and stir until it's incorporated
2. Cool it and eat it or jam it into one of your artfully prepared eclair shells. (You genius you)
*Watch your boiling milk carefully, it's like your drunk friend who insists they can drive after drinking a 12 beers and 6 shots of jager- belligerent and liable to spew all over you at any moment. Don't let either one happen.
This public service announcement is complete, you may now go about your business.
05 January, 2010
I'm a loser. Eclair Shells
Not my pic
Hiya! Happy New Year and all that. I hope your various gifts and special times were spectacular. Or for those of you who don't hold with the gift giving, Heh heh heh Lame.
This year Santa brought us a new faucet for our bathroom and Hanukah Harry brought me a blowtorch!! Burning stuff = Deep Soul Satisfaction
Today is a confession day. I have to tell someone, even if indirectly.
I'm that guy. My face burns with shame. I didn't... SIGH, I'm not sure I can do this. Ok, here goes: I didn't realize I had the green arrow and I wasted it for everyone behind me. During rush hour!! I even flipped off the beepers in back of me with an indignant yell of "Uh, Hello!?! It's their right of way fucker, CHILL."
My deepest apologies Beepers, really, it was my fault.
What a loser.
Over the holidays I got a bug up my ass telling me to try to make eclairs. It was a loud angry bug and I'm not one to deny its call. You don't want to know the precise planetary alignment which allowed moi to achieve proper eclair shell height and it may never occur again in my lifetime, but here is how I did it this time. I'll follow with another posting for the custard filling/chocolate topping later.
Also called Choux pastry, this batter is started out on the stove top and uses steam to puff up when cooking. Keep in mind, I tried making these bitches 3 times before it came out right.
First, make a sacrifice to the steam fairies. Throw salt, slay your first born, burn a lamb, whatever, the proper ritual in your house Must happen.
Not common Apparatus needed:
1 small oven proof container
1 large ziplock bag OR a pastry bag with 5/8" or 3/4" nozzle thing
parchment paper
pencil
* Not necessary but worked well: 1 wooden spoon. For some reason I found it easiest to mix eggs into four/butter dough with a wooden spoon but you could really use any mixing spoon.
Ingredients
1 stick unsalted butter (4 oz.)
1 cup water
1/4 tsp salt
1 cup sifted flour
4 eggs lightly beaten
Oven Action
Place a small oven proof container filled with water in your oven.
Pre-heat your oven to 415 degrees
Prepare thy Miz (mis en place)
1. cut parchment paper to fit your baking sheet
2. draw 6 " lines with at least 1" space between each one on the parchment, flip paper over and place on baking sheet (you should be able to see the lines)
3. sift flour and measure out 1 cup set this within reach of stove top
4. lightly beat 4 eggs in a bowl set aside
5. prepare large ziplock bag by rolling the top few inches of the bag or prepare piping bag
Stove top action
1. In a saucepan, bring 4 oz (1 stick) of butter, 1/4 tsp salt and 1 cup of water to boil on low-med heat
2. After it is at a boil, remove pan from heat, dump 1 cup of flour into pan and mix thoroughly.
3. Place back onto heat and stir constantly until dough pulls away from side of pan and forms a giant clump in the middle (looks a bit like mashed potatoes)
Counter top action
1. place flour/butter lump into mixing bowl
2. squish around to release heat and mush any blobs of flour that may have not been mixed in properly
3. cool the lump until you can stick your finger in it without burning yourself (I stick the bowl into the freezer for a minute)
4. after cooled slightly, pour 1/4th of the beaten eggs into the mixing bowl and stir like crazy
*Please note this will turn into gross egg slime mini lumps but keep stirring and it will eventually incorporate the eggs
5. repeat step 4. until all eggs are mixed in and your spoon will stand up straight in your now glossy batter
Lay some Piping
1. Spoon all of the batter into your prepared bag (if using ziplock, snip 1 corner to make a 5/8-3/4" opening)
2. Pipe batter onto your drawn lines
3. Repeat as necessary to use all batter (this make take up more than one baking sheet)
Bake 'Em
1. Place sheets into your steamy oven at 415 for 15 minutes
Don't open the door.
2. Turn down oven temp to 350 degrees and bake for another 12 minutes or until golden and shells sound kind of hollow when you tap them
3. Turn off oven
4. Pull out shells, poke a hole in them so the steam will escape place shells back into oven for 5 minutes
5. Cool on a rack before filling.
You can either slice shells in half lengthwise and fill them like a sandwich or jam a pastry nozzle into one and fill them that way.
Another option is to pipe the batter into mounds for profiteroles or cream puffs.
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